Category Archives: Humor

It makes us smile…

Male or Female?

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From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female…Ha!…you thought I’d say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?

Christmas Tequila Cake

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1 cup sugar
1 tsp. baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruitSample the tequila to check quality Take a large bowl,
check the tequila again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the tequila is still OK.
Try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixer thingy.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to test for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something.

Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish the tequila and wipe the counter with the cat.

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Old Farts

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful old beagle named Mr. Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the beagle starts chasing butterflies and before long, he discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. 
The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. 
Just as the leopard is about to leap the dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

2012-05-17 18.15.11Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old dog nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the beagle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. 

The  monkey  soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, Monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"  But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet.

Just when they get close enough to hear, the old dog says.
"Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story….

Don’t mess with old farts.  Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.