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Ian May

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Facts About Your Farts

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Women!

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If you kiss her, You are not a gentleman
If you don’t, You are not a man

If you praise her, She thinks you are lying
If you don’t, You are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes, You are a wimp
If you don’t, You are not understanding

If you visit her often, She thinks you are boring
If you don’t, She accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed, She says you are a playboy
If you aren’t, You are a dull boy

If you are jealous, She says it’s bad
If you are not, She thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance, She says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, She thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late, She complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, She says that’s a girl’s way

If you hang out with the guys, You’re not putting in "quality time"
If she has a girls night out, "oh it’s natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while, She professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, She yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, You lack ethics
If you do, She thinks it’s just one of men’s tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman, She accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, She says that they are just admiring

If you talk, She wants you to listen
If you listen, She wants you to talk

In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful… …..WOMEN!

Scottish Family Christmas

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A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

‘Aye fine… They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’

Posted via web from Eyebeemania