24 Mar 12 It’s Tax Time!
A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a whore,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a moment and the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”
Tags: accountant, call girl, chicken farmer, chicken farming, elite, occupation, prostitute, social security, social security number
07 Feb 12 Learn New Words
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING..
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a ‘black box’
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You’ve hit ‘reply all’).
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the “hare”.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there’s actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: ‘Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!’.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you’re in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP.
Tattoo on a female.
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she’s got 4 buttocks.
Tags: bum, buttocks, dodger, greyhound, knickers, mystery bus, overweight person, percussive maintenance, picasso, seagull manager, short skirt, stunners, swamp donkey
06 Feb 12 Cat Wife
Dinner
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. “Oh, no!” she suddenly exclaimed, “Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’ll be so pissed if it’s not ready on time.”
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
“Darling, this is the best dinner you’ve made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day.”
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. “You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed!
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”
The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass.”
Tags: golf day, golf partners, horror, lettuce leaf, marriage, surprise, wilted lettuce, windowsill
