Goodbye Dad (1934-2006)

Very moving and it brought tears to my eyes. The only thing I will say is that YOU tried hard and he just choose not meet you.... I love you very much!

GUILT
I hope it stays with you. You should have tried harder and continued to try. There is NO excuse.
'Family' obviously means nothing to you.
Flowers will not be required so don't waste your money.
He died with family around him that loved him for who he was.
No-one should ever say they don't respect their father and then expect sympathy.

Of course I feel guilty for not trying harder. I wasn't making any excuses.

'Family' obviously means nothing to some of you, or I wouldn't have been ostracized by some of you. Who are you to judge me, or anyone else?

I shall mark my fathers passing in whatever way I so choose, and I don't ask or need your opinion, thank you.

I am glad that he didn't die alone.

He wasn't someone I could look to for inspiration and guidance, and I said he didn't command respect. I don't recall asking for sympathy, and I certainly wouldn't look in your direction for it anyhow. It's not something that has ever come across to me as being a strong suit of yours.

How dreadful that anyone would want you to live with guilt, obviously not a very caring person and someone who has no understanding about "Family" or respect. We care Ian and we understand your sentiments about your Dad. There are always things that you wish to have said or maybe should have said but guilt is never good for anyone. Just continue to be the loving and caring person you are, your light vividly shines.

Jan &
Christopher

YOU SHOULD FEEL NO GUILT.
On the other hand I feel no loss of the passing of someone that was never a Father figure to me.
I know that you tried as hard as one can to keep in contact and bridge any differences with that person I feel diserved neither.
"Family" meant nothing to him.
If "Family" meant as much to him as it should then contact would have been kept open with all of us boys.
Thankfully in my case it wasn't.
I personally wouldn't waste money on flowers,I would send it to the NSPCC.
If the family around him really knew him for what he was then maybe they would have turned away in disgust.
Beside's people that expect others to live with guilt are more than often carry guilt of their own!!
As for respect,that is something that you earn,not expect to be given.
He didn't ever earn mine.
This is just the passing of somebody,not a "Father" figure.
We are all entitled to our own views and nobody has the right to condemn them especially when there is no understanding as to why these views are held.

Derek

Ian you said how YOU FELTand thats all that matters. I to also know how you feel.Been there .

You others that are his family wether you like it or not are the lucky ones who obviously did have that closeness with your father, so have no idea how Ian feels.
Dont throw stones unless you have walked in his shoes.
Margaret from NZ a long time friend Of Ian's

What Karen Fegan says about Ian is the most disgraceful thing that I have ever read. She has no idea how hard Ian tried to keep contact with his dad but it was one way traffic, all take and no give, after all that one gives up.

Why chase after someone who shows you no love and is only interested in their self.

How do I know?  I married Ian's Mum. Ian has two brothers, Derek and Graeme. The youngest, Graeme was three.  Derek was seven when we married. NOT once did he ever ask to see them or enquire about them to this day.

Don't let anyone try and say different they will be lying. That was the type of man he was,  an utter disgrace.

So if Ian couldn't get his dad to love him no one could.

So Karen Fegan, You only know what has been put in your head; a pack of lies. As for him dying with his family around him that loved him, some people would love the devil if they knew there was financial gain to be had on the death of that person. I would think twice before openng your mouth again.

Not knowing most of these people but Ian all I can say is that I know Ian is a sensitive and honorable person. I know he would of done whatever it took to try to keep in touch. My dad was the same way you can only do this so much until you tire of trying. I've known Ian for only a short time but in that time I know he follows his heart w/ his friends and family and follows his mind w/ business and you can never go wrong if you go w/ this mixture in life.

Jamie and I love you and Kathy, Ian keep smiling you did the best you could and don't let you cousin tell you different.

Sincerely,
Meg and Jamie

I have now decided against sending flowers. After all why spend money putting dying foliage on a dead persons coffin, when the money can be better spent donating it to a charity of that persons choice, which will benefit those still living.

I understand it was my father's wish for any money to be donated to the Merchant Navy Association, so I shall send it there.

Ian, I don’t hardly know you, but I know you are a warm, caring, thoughtful person. Should have tried harder??? What more could you have done except be in “his way” even more? Dads are men, men are people and people can be jerks = dads can be jerks too. Mostly they're jerks out of fear of one thing or another. I'm sorry for you that one of his fears was sharing his fears with you. One thing he taught you was to not be like him and obviously did well at that. You’ll be in my positive thoughts for many days to come.
best, Didd

This letter is directed to the following persons that consider themselves above all.....Janet Higgs, and her "bastard" daughter Karen Fegan...
Karen, you have opened a canned of worms that has been keep secret for a long time! I have tolerated many things since I've been with Ian, and you just released something that I don't think anyone knows of the history of your mother's wild life....she gave birth to you NOT knowing who the man was or is to this day!

Let me first begin in the beginning, Ian's grandparents received orders or whatever to  go to Singapore to work. At that time, Janet was a young single girl who had befriended a co-worker named Terry who was married to a sailor, named David Higgs. she made it her goal to get David away from a marriage and started to spread lies that Terry was a horrible wife to David....when she heard that her parents were to go to Singapore for 3 years, she didn't want to go, but changed her mind when she found out that David would be stationed there.

She got her parents pay for voyage at the time when it was very expensive to travel to another country...To me, that is a person KNOWINGLY trying to break a marriage and will do anything to get what that person wants.

When Ian and I got together, we were both married to other people. I tried to see if I could help him get back what was missing in his relationship.....but it was not to be, Ian said all the things that I suggested has been tried and no go...as for my situation, I just lost any feelings for Mark (ex husband) and I knew that I had to move on.

When Ian did tell his wife then (Stephanie May), he was criticized by the people that he was doing something wrong. My question is, why stay in a marriage that is going nowhere and when the kids are all grown and they have their own families, what becomes of both of you? Ian's case was not as disgraceful as what Janet did to break up a marriage duly just to get her man and on top of that....had a child by another man (who she can't remember) when they returned from Singapore to UK; she was thenwhisked away by her parents to some place to have the baby, as they were ashamed.

And now, that Brian May has passed, I'm glad that he is gone, and I've let Ian know how I felt as this man never once came over to our home even after the many invites we gave him. He always had an excuse that the Club needed him....well Ian spoke to John who is the Steward and says he really didn't need to be there and he could go...but NO, he choose not to and refused to meet Ian half way...its always been a one way street...after a while, you tire of the whole situation.

When Karen made that comment, that GUILT....I think NOT my dear, you all have ocstracized me even before you knew who I am...I am not the person who tried to break up a marriage like what your mother has done, Ian did the chasing and I tried to help him get his marriage worked out. The only sad part of this whole situation is that the boys only know one side of the story, as she won't let him tell his side only her side.

Karen, you made some comments that Ian has been disowned, but sorry, to tell you... although you can disown a family member, you are stuck with Ian whether you like it or not.  YOU all choose to disown him and I feel that he has a better family now. We have welcomed him with open arms in my ever growing family. You can curse, call me names, but I really don't give a damn what you think, People that lives in glass houses should not throw stones, as it might bite them back.

So if you do decide to answer me, please do, I welcome your reply. I don't have a skeletons in my closets, but you, and it seems some of your family members do...
Ian's loving wife
Kathy :D

On the 13th July I attended a funeral in Medway.
This was done to satisfy my own needs and to find closure on that part of my life.
As for the word"FAMILY".
Even in death this still meant nothing as there was no mention of the children that he had fathered.
Only of the three women that he had married and of the grieving sister.
I now have found the closure that I needed to enable me to move on with my life.

Del, I truly am sorry to hear that they didn't even mention the children he fathered as you have stated...yes, he truly did not know the meaning of "FAMILY".... as for Ian, he has moved on with his life and he does have a "FAMILY" that loves him... :D right brov!? :P

Love ya
Sis-n-law :D