12 Nov 11 Only in Britain – Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written to local councils:
1. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
Tags: back passage, bad wind, balls, garden path, kitchen floor, lavatory seat, local councils, single woman, three pieces, toilet
05 Jan 11 The Blind Bunny
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.
“Oh please excuse me,” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”
“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”
“Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, “Well, you’re soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!
The bunny said, “I can’t thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?”
The snake replied that he didn’t know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, “Well, what kind of an animal am I?”
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, “You’re cold, you’re slippery, and you haven’t got any balls…. You must be a politician.”
Tags: balls, bunny rabbit, excuse, hopping down the bunny trail, little nose, politician, silky ears, snake
25 Jul 10 Medical Distinction
We’ve all heard about people having guts or having balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt, and having the balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome…both result in death.
Tags: balls, broom, butt, coming home, confusion, death, definitions, distinction, guts, lipstick on your collar, perfume
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