01 Feb 11 Theory v Reality
A small boy says to his father “Dad, what’s the difference between ‘theoretically’ and ‘realistically’?”
His dad thinks and then says “Right my son, go and ask your mother if she’d sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million quid.”
The boy toddles off and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”
“OK son,” says his dad. “Now go and ask your sister the same question.”
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying “Dad, dad, she said she would too!”
So then his dad says “Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he’d sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds.”
The son comes back excitedly saying “Dad! Dad! He said he would too!”
“Well there you have it, son,” said his dad. In theory we could be sitting on three million quid. In reality we’re living with two tarts and a poof.”
11 Dec 10 A Scottish Christmas
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her”.
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, I’ll take care of this”.
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”
Tags: brother, christmas eve, dad, day before christmas, hell, london, misery, old man, scotland, scottish christmas, single thing
14 Feb 10 Scottish Family Christmas
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Aye fine… They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Tags: brother, christmas, christmas eve, dad, day before christmas, family christmas, family visit, hell, Humor, joke, leeds, london, misery, old man, scotland, scottish, scottish family, single thing
