01 Jan 11 An Actual Personal Ad

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 …45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Tags: buddies, bur berry, cell phone, earrings, embarrassment, gas station, gas tank, girlfriend, homeless guy, last date, momma, phone sex numbers, pimp, pistol, purse, savannah, shoulder holster, sludge, wallet, windshield

Filed in Humor with Comments Off

05 Aug 08 Miles Per Gallon – Saving Gas

Ride the bus if you can. That’s the biggest gas saver of all!
Chill out! I’ve found over and over again, that driving like a bat out of hell is not only more likely to get you a ticket, get you in an accident, raise your blood pressure and stress levels, but it wastes gas, and wears out the car quicker! Driving at a constant speed can lower your gas mileage by up to 33% on the highway, which is over a $1 a gallon right now!
I know McCain has been making fun of Obama about it, but keeping your tires at the correct pressure, can save you another 3%, or about ten cents on the gallon.
Another 10% can be had by making sure your air filter isn’t clogged.
Get rid of all the stuff in your car that you don’t need. You can save another 1% on your fuel for every 50lbs of excess weight you dump. No, that doesn’t mean making the mother-in-law walk.
Don’t be idle. It’s reckoned that standing with the engine running costs over $70 billion in wasted gas in the US alone.
On the highway use cruise control, to maintain a constant speed but on hilly terrain don’t.
Don’t waste money on premium gas. Most cars, trucks and SUVs simply don’t need it. It won’t make your car go faster. It’s simply wasting money.
Be sure and use the correct oil for your engine.
As well as driving at a constant speed, try and keep your speed down. It varies from car to car, and model to model but generally speaking, gas mileage decreases rapidly at speeds above 60 mph. As a general rule, every 5 mph you go over 60 costs an extra thirty cents per gallon.
Remember to check the gas tank cap! If you don’t close the cap correctly, you gas could be simply evaporating into thin air!