02 Jun 12 Operating Table
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the arsehole – and they are interchangeable’
Tags: accountants, arsehole, balls, brains, construction workers, guts, heart, job, moving parts, spine, those guys
09 Dec 10 Losses & Gains
Into the third week back in the UK.
I felt very relieved when I finally got my passport, and then strangely enough, it hit me. It was almost time to actually leave. I’d felt very trapped and very stressed, and the passport issue drove me nuts because of feeling trapped, and totally not in control too, I guess. Now I had the passport, and I kinda sorta didn’t want to go. Of course I was going to miss people, but I was also going to miss the place. I never once drove California’s highways without appreciating the awesomeness of the mountains. I know they’re only mountains, but they are always there, usually in the periphery of vision when one is barelling down the highway, but spectacular nonetheless.
Going to California felt like a big new adventure when I set off from South Carolina. Driving across was an adventure in itself, although nothing like those TV treks that one sees – there simply wasn’t the time or the money for all the sightseeing along the way, or trying out restaurants and the like.
Well, for a number of reasons, California turned into more of a nightmare in many ways than a new dream start. Mostly financial. If money was no object, of course, one could live anywhere, and I’d have probably chosen to stay in California, although I did somewhat miss the charm and Southern sophistication of Charleston, South Carolina. The American South isn’t entirely populated by rednecks, by any means.
Home is where the heart is, at the end of the day, and although many people assumed I was coming back to England because that was where my heart was, and that I was homesick, nothing could be further than the truth. Sometimes I’d feel a bit of a pang when I saw programs such as Countryfile, and images of green rolling fields and other archetypal English scenes. All in all though, I’m a forward looking person 99% of the time. After all, one has to live in the present. One can’t forever dream about the future, or turn the clock back either.
So back I came. Farewells are never easy for me. I’m way too emotional, or rather, I’m absolutely hopeless and hiding my emotions. I don’t weep along to every darn thing, but on the occasions when I do get upset, I can seldom contain my sadness, it just overwhelms me. Goodbyes are always like that for me, even if they’re only temporary ones.
The first couple of days were exceedingly weird and mixed up. I was overtired but not sleepy, and jet-lagged. I’m only now just really getting back into UK time after two weeks. During the first couple of days, I just wanted to get on a plane and go back to California.
Anyway, back to now. I’ve been back two weeks, going into the third. Has much changed since I was last here in 2004? The Government has. One bunch of incompetents has been replaced by another bunch that seem largely less competent that their predecessors. Still, here is not the place for politics. Life for the average person goes on, and Britain in 2010 doesn’t seem hugely different.
I’m in London now, and not Kent. That does make a difference now, and it always has done. I’ve always liked London. Here I’m in a pleasant neighborhood. It’s peaceful and quiet, and one rapidly ignored the planes coming in the land every 3-4 minutes all day. I really only notice them when I’m out in the street. I try not to look up, because everyone will know I’m new in town, because no one else seems to take any notice of them.
I’ve been to the supermarket, and bought all the (mostly bad) food items that I’ve missed. Sausage rolls, scotch eggs, black pudding, good quality British Bangers, Branston Pickle, Brown Sauce, and Brioche. OK, I know the last one is French, but I never saw it in the parts of America I was in.
What do I miss? Not much from California really, but I was only there five months. I’m not much a fast food fan, but I do like In ‘n Out burgers. Yes, I’ll miss getting a double double with everything on, and fries. A tasty burger with fresh salad, and real fresh cut potato fries. From the east coast, I miss juicy plump Gulf Oysters, a wonderful beer store, and many superb eating places. Charleston, at some point, I shall return, if only for a visit. Much as I liked California, I simply wasn’t there long enough to call it home, and I can sit here right now in London, and feel I did leave a little bit of my heart in the Lowcountry.
The first week back here, I felt like an alien. How does one prove one’s address on the second day of return, but yet cannot get anything done without it? There’s been a few brick walls for sure.
Still this week things are moving forward. Took a driving assessment yesterday, and passed that. Today I’ve had a medical, and except for getting told to get new glasses, everything was fine. As soon as I get my renewed licence back, I can start work. That’s a good feeling after feeling like a spare part in my previous home in the desert.
Tags: awesomeness, charleston south carolina, clock, countryfile, going to california, heart, highways, mountains, new dream, nightmare, pang, passport, periphery, Restaurants, sightseeing, sophistication, where the heart is
18 Nov 08 Bloggers Constipation
That little tab in the blog dashboard marked ‘Write’.
That’s what I’m talking about. Sometimes I’m glad to click on it, and merrily type away, and before I know it I’ve written a page and a half. The output borders on diarhea at times like that.
It’s threatening, when I have bloggers constipation, and can’t think of anything to write. It sits there, goading me, after I’ve loaded the dashboard into my browser, knowing that I’ve not written anything for a few days, and yet still can’t think of anything useful.
Truly though, the secret is, don’t worry. It’s like having real constipation; the more you think about it, the more you can’t. (I don’t have that problem for real, in case you were wondering – ok, I knew you weren’t, but you might have been).
If you don’t blog for a few weeks, and you don’t care, then it’s probably time to quit making serious attempts at blogging. Your heart isn’t in it really is it?
But if you miss a day or two, or three, because you can’t think of anything truly constructive to write about – then don’t worry. Something will come to you. It might be at 2am tonight when you can’t sleep, or at 11am in the middle of a busy day.
That leads me onto another point. Keep something to make notes on with you at all times. Keep a pad by the side of the bed for that 2am thought, and keep something you can jot notes into during a busy day – a pocket book, or your phone’s voice recorder, or use Jott, or something else that works for you. It doesn’t have to be high tech. Just something that will remind you what you had a great idea to write about a few hours later, when you do get the opportunity!
Happy blogging.
Tags: attempts, borders, busy day, constipation, dashboard, diarhea, few days, heart, jot notes, jott, sleep, voice recorder
