12 Nov 11 Only in Britain – Complaints to Councils
Extracts from letters written to local councils:
1. It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
Tags: back passage, bad wind, balls, garden path, kitchen floor, lavatory seat, local councils, single woman, three pieces, toilet
20 Dec 10 A Christmas Story
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A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Tags: apple cider, broom, christmas story, christmas tree, cider jug, cupboard, doorbell, elves, floorboards, frustration, glass pieces, having a bad day, kitchen floor, liquor, little angel, little glass, lovely day, merry christmas santa, mrs claus, reindeer
08 Dec 07 Why an angel is on top ….
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip…but there were problems every where… four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule….then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more…when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where…more stress.
And then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys…so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey…but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink…and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor… he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??
And that, my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree…
Tags: broom, christmas tree, coffee pot, cup of coffee, cupboard, doorbell, elves, fence, frustration, heaven, kitchen floor, liquor, little angel, little pieces, mice, mrs claus, reindeer, stress, stressed santa, whiskey
