06 Feb 12 Cat Wife
Dinner
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. “Oh, no!” she suddenly exclaimed, “Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’ll be so pissed if it’s not ready on time.”
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.
“Darling, this is the best dinner you’ve made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day.”
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. “You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed!
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”
The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass.”
Tags: golf day, golf partners, horror, lettuce leaf, marriage, surprise, wilted lettuce, windowsill
31 Mar 09 Pierre & Marie
Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.
Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, “Pierre, what are you doing?”
Pierre replied “Woman, I’m leaving you!”
Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our marriage?”
Pierre replied “To hell with the marriage. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?”
Pierre replied “To hell with the cabin. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.
Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?”
Pierre replied “To hell with the children. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.
Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, “But Pierre, what about this?”
As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, “Someday I’m going to leave that damn woman.”
Tags: canoe, crotch, hell, hollers, lake marie, log cabin, marriage, marriage woman, northern quebec, pierre marie, skirt
08 Dec 07 It’s Crazy But…
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.
We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We run from morning to night trying to keep our “earning power” up with our “yearning power.”
We get upset we’re spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We’re supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We heavily tax smokers to get them to stop smoking, while subsidizing the tobacco farmer.
We buy oil from countries that hate us, and sell our oil to the country that almost destroyed our Navy.
Tags: Americans, armored car, baseball shopping, baseball team, billion dollars, cigarettes, civilized nation, diets, earning power, earth, fishing, half a day, last dime, marriage, navy, pavement, smokers, speed laws, star spangled banner, tobacco farmer, vitamin pills
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