01 Jan 11 An Actual Personal Ad
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me In Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Bur berry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 …45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!
I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again.
After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours,
Alex
Tags: buddies, bur berry, cell phone, earrings, embarrassment, gas station, gas tank, girlfriend, homeless guy, last date, momma, phone sex numbers, pimp, pistol, purse, savannah, shoulder holster, sludge, wallet, windshield
08 Sep 10 Murder In UK Store
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A ‘friend of a friend’ put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ‘Artie.’
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound note that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor……..
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol’ Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared …
‘ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO ‘
Tags: beneficiary, chokes, dirty deed, few days, friend of a friend, hidden security cameras, insurance policy, last breath, murder scene, police station, pound note, produce department, produce manager, security guard, tesco, tesco store, underworld figure, wallet
02 Apr 08 A Question
It’s early here. Well, it’s early enough for me. It’s 7.45am. I’ve been up about an hour and a quarter. I’ll confess that it’s earlier than usual. I’m not a morning person. I’m sitting here now, feeling tired but not sleepy.
Coffee doesn’t work. I enjoy my morning coffee, but it doesn’t wake me up in the morning, any more than it keeps me awake at night. I always feel tired in the mornings; wide awake at bedtime.
Still, I’m not one for laying in bed all day. I’m not some kind of early morning hero that needs to boast how early I rise, but I do think that laying in until noon is such a waste of a day – unless one is unwell of course.
It’s a nice morning out there today, I can see the sun shining through the slats of the still-closed blind. That’s better, I’ve opened it. I can hear the crickets outside. They’re really quite loud, particularly as I have the door open too. It’s already 67F outside.
While I’m typing this, I’m eating a bowl of cold oatmeal. Why? Well, I’m trying to be good and eat breakfast (which is the one time of day I’m not hungry), and trying to make it a healthy breakfast at that. It’s not that I dislike oatmeal, but somehow, just somehow, corned beef hash, or bacon, eggs and grits would somehow be more appetising.
Now, I’m back with a refilled coffee cup. I’m pretty good with my coffee intake really I think. There’s about another 3 mug fulls in the pot, and once that’s gone, I’ll drink water for the rest of the afternoon. I might have a cold beer, come this evening; then again I might not. It depends how the mood takes me.
At least I know where to find a cold beer. It’s always in the refrigerator. Unlike some other items I care to mention, such as car keys, or my wallet, or cellphone or glasses.
Which, dear reader, brings me to the title of this article, a question.
Why can I not remember where I put my cellphone, but I never forget my grandparents telephone number of the house they moved from in 1978? Why do I “lose” the car keys, but I can drive from here to Atlanta through the back roads without thinking about it? And, why, do I remember how much a loaf of bread cost at the local bakers when I was a kid, but I’ll forget to buy some when I go to the supermarket?
Your answers are welcome, but don’t forget to remind me what the question was. I’ll probably have forgotten by the middle of this afternoon.
Tags: awake at night, bedtime, car key, car keys, cellphone, coffee cup, coffee intake, cold beer, cold oatmeal, crickets, eggs and grits, fulls, grandparents, healthy breakfast, morning coffee, morning person, nice morning, slats, time of day, wallet
